


nothing gay about caves

by ellipsesificate



Category: Arrested Development
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-27
Updated: 2015-09-02
Packaged: 2018-04-17 10:25:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4663143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellipsesificate/pseuds/ellipsesificate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A variety of small GOB/Tony fics requested on tumblr.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. michael never fake dated he doesn't get it

**Author's Note:**

> fake dating request from tumblr user daisiestdaisy, does not actually have tony bc i am a Flake, written like a year ago wow

“That’s the beauty of it, Michael – it’s not real.”

Squinting at his grinning brother, Michael set his glass of water down on the counter and took a seat on the stool. This was going to be a trip. “The relationship that you have with Tony Wonder.”

GOB remained standing with his hands planted on the countertop, leaning in to ensure that Michael couldn’t avoid his smug face. “Exactly! We’re just pretending, so that Tony will get the gay boost to his career, and I get to shove it in Mom and Dad’s face!”

“You realise that they’ve already figured out how to capitalise on your apparent homosexuality, right?”

“Okay, yeah,” GOB said, half shrugging, “that part didn’t really pan out. Probably because I told – because Dad tricked me into fessing up. It’s okay, Tony and I can work around that. We’ve gotten really good at that, must be all that bonding we do on our dates.”

“The fake dates.”

“Yes!”

“And this bonding is completely platonic, and not romantic or sexual in nature.”

“Duh! …okay, I mean, we have bonded over our past romantic dalliances, and maybe over a bit of sexual stuff, but we never did gay sexual stuff. Our sexual stuff has been completely heterosexual in nature.”

This called for a harder squint. “It might just be easier for you to say that your ‘sexual stuff’ is…platonic, or whatever.”

GOB’s grin fell into an injured pout. “I don’t think you’re appreciating just how hard we’ve worked towards making the sex heterosexual, Michael. I really wanted you to appreciate that.”

“I don’t want to. Also,” Michael said, standing up again before GOB could divulge any more details about this particular scheme, “I’m washing my hands of this. I have my own incredibly convoluted situation to take care of, so I hope you have fun being fake gay, or whatever, just make me your best man when you get fake married.”

“Dad’s going to be the best man – you can be the usher, or something!” But Michael was already gone, and GOB slumped against the counter in disappointment that Michael wasn’t more enthusiastic about his personal life. “You know what, whatever! I have to get ready for stargazing with Tony tonight, so…yeah!”


	2. at this point they are so domestic so gay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> three word prompt (stage, facade, affection) from like a year ago again

Tony grunted, crumpling onto the couch under the heavy weight of GOB leaning down to wrap his arms around his shoulder. “Okay babe wait breathe I need to breathe my hair you’re ruining—”

While he didn’t bother to get off of his lap, GOB did lean back to properly beam at his boyfriend; his wrists remained locked around Tony’s neck and his cheeks were going red with how hard he was smiling. “It’ll be great, we could start building tomorrow, or right now. Someone’s got to have some, I dunno, wood or something. I have popsicles in the freezer, we could use the sticks—”

“We should wait until we actually do have materials,” Tony said, but he smiled too as he smoothed his hands up and down GOB’s sides. “And we want to decide on what tricks we’re doing, and our props, the set design…”

“It should be gay! Super gay, gayest, shove it in their faces.” GOB’s smile dropped for a second. “No caves though.”

“Nothing gay about caves,” Tony agreed solemnly, not asking where that came from, so GOB grinned again as he flopped over to the side and pulled Tony against him. “But I will have to make sure I build in some places for me to hide, you know, for my signature move?”

GOB nodded. “Yes, we definitely should! And we should build it in our backyard, so we can do show every week in the sun and we can invite our family and friends and everyone will be so amazed. It’ll amazing. We could totally do something with our masks, that’d be—”

“Babe, wait, hold on a minute.” Tony wiggled his way out of GOB’s hold in order to level him with his most serious look. “You do know that I will have to keep those hiding places a secret from you too, right?”

Everything about GOB froze – his arms, his eyes, his smile. “Um…why?”

“Well…it’s my thing, you know?” Tony sighed, rubbing GOB’s shoulder comfortingly. “And…ugh, this is going to sound really gay – like, gayer than anything else we’ve done…”

“Even the gay sex? I meant the normal sex.”

“Even gayer than the normal sex, yes.” Gut prickling with anticipation, Tony ran his hand through his hair. “It’s just…that’s your favourite illusion, right? You go crazy for the whole ‘pop out of nowhere’ gag, and if you’re in on it, it’ll just…ruin the magic for you, y’know?”

GOB’s expression softened. “…that is very gay.”

“Heh. Yeah.”

“Okay, but I get all the dove illusions.”

“Wait.”


	3. pretty princely and the gay enterprising wizard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a runaway royalty au, which i assumed also meant there was magic and stuff bc i conflate those a lot.

“Yeah, I’m the prince! C’mon, I look pretty princely, right?”

Tony nodded, slowly, because while this was definitely a member of the Bluth family – the expensive if ill-fitting clothing, the way he squinted warily at the other patrons of the tavern – but something was off. “Prince George Oscar, right? Aren’t you supposed to be missing or something?”

The prince beamed. “Yeah! Pretty crazy, huh? Figured I could use some time off of, y’know, prince stuff, ‘cause I have a loooot of that to do. But I really needed to work on my own craft? You know what I mean? Which brings us…” And he raised his hands in a fancy twirl which would have probably have been more elegant if he hadn’t downed so much mead upon arrival, and jabbed his fingers against Tony’s chest. “…to you! Tony Wonder, the great wizard!”

He perked up at that. “That is me. I am pretty great. I almost forgot, you do magic too. …didn’t you set a stable on fire once?”

The prince flapped his hands in Tony’s face, shushing him. “Okay, maybe, but only because I never get to work on my craft! They keep me so busy up at the castle, I do practically all the work, so much, so I thought, c’mon! A prince deserves a break every once in a while, and what better way to spend a break then practicing magic with the greatest wizard out there, huh?”

Tony couldn’t stop his smile – even after years of praise and awe, it never really got old. And now here he was, with royalty staring at him with open admiration, as if he had the power to command the stars themselves, and maybe this could finally get him into the court. Of course, he should consider simply turning the prince in to the nearest guards and receive what was sure to be a substantial reward. Not that the king and queen had actually said anything about a reward yet, but that was probably because they were trying to estimate the sheer enormity of it. Although…

“If you have so many responsibilities, don’t you think they’d miss you? Up at the palace?”

The prince let out a sudden, stilted bark of a laugh. “Oh, god no! They have Michael to take care of all that boring crap, I’m totally free!”

Maybe Tony could make it work for him. Tote the prince around, teach him a couple of tricks, soak up the wonder (heh), and then when he was satisfied or bored take him back to the castle and receive a reward and all the thanks that came with it. What was the worst that could happen?

Now grinning widely, Tony stuck out his hand. “Well, my prince, I’d be happy to have to your company.”

The prince shook his hand with vigour – a lot, actually, whoa. “Call me GOB!”


	4. copyright ??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a request from tumblr user obstinatecondolement: Gob comes out to his family by means of some carefully off-brand Tony Wonder style illusion that in its attempts to avoid plagiarism becomes incomprehensible.
> 
> the blunder of it all is sort of to the side but it Counts

“Can you just explain to us,” George Sr. said, “what exactly is your issue with our plumbing?”

Spluttering, GOB gestured wildly between himself and the half-gutted sink still spitting out glitter and confetti as he struggled up to his knees. "It’s not the plumbing! It’s symbolic, of how I’ve been trapped, drowning in-“

"He’s obviously taking a stand against against mother’s gross animal abuse,” Lindsay snapped, rubbing at the red mark on her forehead with one hand and squeezing a detached paw vengefully with the other. Beside her, Michael sneered, hand on his own sore cheek from Lindsay’s earlier flailing hands.

“You’re a Republican now, what do you care about animal abuse?”

“No,” Lucille said, tightlipped and trembling as she stared at the shredded remains of dozens of furs, heaped on the floor with the hair tufted and messy stitches torn, “let’s discuss this animal abuse. I thought one of those movers had stolen them, not that my own son was sewing himself inside them for some grotesque liberal performance art!”

“Can I take off this Tony Wonder mask yet?” George Michael asked quietly as George Sr. hurried over to the sink, which had begun making a tired rumbling noise. "I don’t…really know what he has to do with this?“

Snatching it off his nephew’s head before George Michael had a chance to move, GOB cradled the mask protectively against his chest. "It’s a replacement mask of myself! Mine got lost in an. Uh. Altercation. Actually, you know what, it was a ga-”

Tobias bolted out of his chair, arms raised in victory. "I got it! I know exactly what GOB is trying to express through this imagery - drowned by his animalistic desires.“

"I’m pretty he already stated it,” Maeby said, uncomfortably squished into the couch corner beside her mother, “when he was suffocating in his ‘animalistic desires’.”

“Exactly!” Tobias paced in front of the rest of the family, one hand on his chin. "Through clever and subtle symbolism, GOB is trying to explain how his sexual-“ Yes! ”-frustrations resulting from a dry spell with the ladies have left him feeling depressed.“ No.

"GOB, goddammit, there’s blood coming out of this sink,” George Sr. hollered, drawing the family’s attention. "We just finally got this working!“

"I just got it working, you sat around and criticized,” Michael groaned as GOB said, “So I cut my hand a little bit trying to set up my illusion, is no one going to recognize that I just-”

But now Lucille stood up, jabbing towards the fur to indicate she was not forgetting that anytime soon, and joining George at the sink muttering, “This better not result in the neighbour’s thinking we’re murderers again”, and Lindsay and Michael provoked each other into a heated debate about animal rights between political parties. Tobias further explained his theory to an increasingly skeptical Maeby and George Michael shuffled uncomfortably in the middle of the room. All of his weight on his knees now, GOB gulped down a breath and wondered if maybe now was the time to set a fire to explain away the water in his eyes. 

A tentative and unnervingly heavy tap on his shoulder rattled him out of an impending breakdown; Buster recoiled back into his seat when GOB jerked towards him.

“I’m happy for you,” Buster said, half hidden behind his newest hand. If he squealed when GOB launched himself at him in a crushing hug, well, that was between brothers.


End file.
